The Gift of Existential Discontent

Spring in New Mexico brings longer, brighter days, but those days seem to be carried in on incessant, howling, nasty winds. Two years ago, I was out for a walk on one of those very windy spring days. It was so windy that each step I took was an effort, and effort seemed to accurately describe my entire existence at that point. Abruptly, I thought, If this is how it’s going to be, I’m not interested.

Unhappiness and dissatisfaction are associated with a release of cortisol by the brain. Cortisol makes us want to do something to change how we’re feeling. A low level of cortisol—indicating a low level of discontent—triggers us to do something we know will make us feel better. Immediately! Whether that response is eating something sweet, going for a run, or surfing the internet, it’s automatic. No conscious thought is involved.

Cortisol also makes us pay attention. But more than a little cortisol has to be released before we actually sit up and pay conscious attention to our discontent. Otherwise the stimulus-response of cortisol and self-soothing behavior just runs in the background—at least until we start to notice all the weight we’ve gained or the time we’ve lost.

The amount of existential discontent I experienced that day did not feel good at all. I definitely wanted to do something about it! But I knew there was no easy response or quick fix. I couldn’t just go home and lose myself in a good book or have a glass of wine or play with my cat and expect to forget about it.

If this is how it’s going to be, I’m not interested was the impulse—the inciting incident, you could say—that eventually launched Farther to Go! I didn’t just want to feel better; I wanted to be better. I had a variety of tools to work with, processes and techniques I’d used before, but I quickly recognized none would do the trick this time. So I began carving out a path, hacking through my own wilderness, to find a way to be better.

I was kind of excited about my discoveries (if you know me, feel free to laugh here) and shared them with anyone who would listen. After a few months I began getting together twice a month with several other women. The members of the group changed, and as a result of my ongoing explorations, so did our focus. It was a few months before I found my way to learning about how the brain works and the revelation that underlies Farther to Go!

Trying to understand and change behavior without taking the brain into account is like trying to bake a cake without understanding that baking involves chemical reactions.

Two years ago, I had a general idea of what cortisol was, and since I had been a substance abuse counselor, I knew a little about serotonin and dopamine. But I had no idea how fortunate I was on that windy spring day to experience enough existential discontent that the amount of cortisol my brain released made it impossible to ignore.