Our monkey minds are constantly chattering away, leaping from one thought to another, unchecked and unguided. We have many conflicting wants, needs, and goals but little available headspace in which to sort them out. Most of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are not even consciously generated. They’re the result of what neuroscientist David Eagleman calls zombie systems and alien subroutines. In addition, we’re unaware of how vulnerable we are to influence from the environment. We are reportedly mentally AWOL at least 50% of the time. If you don’t believe that, just try tuning in to your own self talk. But be prepared to be appalled.
You’re engaging in some variation of self-talk whenever you:
- Explain yourself to yourself
- Explain external events and other people to yourself
- Assign blame
- Rationalize
- Justify
- Judge
- React to events and other people
- Rehash events
- Mentally argue with yourself or others
- Come to conclusions
- Recall past events
- Berate yourself
- Make comparisons
- Make predictions about the future
- Encourage yourself
- Give yourself directions
- Remind yourself or keep a mental to-do list
- Rehearse for the future
Most of these categories of self-talk are not very productive or what anyone would call positive. It’s part of the human condition. But self-talk can have a very powerful effect on us—especially when we’re tuned in to it unconsciously rather than consciously. On the other hand, tuning in to your self-talk is a great way to find out what’s going on in your unconscious.
- Notice the ongoing stream of self-talk. Some of it is productive, some of it is neutral, and a lot of it is counterproductive.
- Notice your inclination to label, judge, or try to change it—which creates additional self-talk.
- Notice what kinds of themes your self-talk has. Does it bolster a particular mental, emotional, or physical state? Do particular events or situations hook you more often than others? Do you find yourself rerunning mental tapes?
- Notice your emotions. What’s the relationship between your self-talk and the way you feel?
- Notice your physical sensations. What’s the relationship between your self-talk and your physical state?
Instead of judging or trying to change your self-talk, try these gentle tools.
- Ask questions. (Is that true? What do I want? What actually happened? etc.)
- Empty the trash. If a particular situation or issue has hooked you and you want to get it out of your head, set a timer for 10 minutes and flow-write (keep writing without lifting your pen from the paper and without reflecting) about it. When you’re finished, do not reread what you wrote. Just toss it.
- Focus your attention. Choose a word or phrase to focus your attention in the moment so you can redirect your thoughts.
A great way to pay attention to your self-talk is to get a pocket-sized notebook to carry with you. Each time you become aware of your self-talk, jot down the date, time, and a brief summary of your self-talk. The notebook is a cue for you to pay attention, and the more often you write in it, the more aware you will become of how you talk to yourself, what you talk to yourself about, and what effect it has on you.
Remember that Self-Talk Radio is always on the air—so you can tune in any time.
When I began meditating a few years ago, I thought that if I learned to meditate well, the self talk would stop during the meditation. My mind would be quiet. Well……….
Meditation has greatly improved my ability to be mindful – to focus my mind where I want it in the present moment – and not notice the self-talk. When my mind goes to the self-talk, I recognize this much quicker and am able to let the chatter go.
A pocket-sized notebook is a great idea for keeping track of self-talk, because while a lot of it is my mind aimlessly wandering, if it keeps returning to certain topics there is probably a reason.
Today, a pocket-sized notebook would work fine. Before I began meditating, I would needed a five-subject notebook.
I loved your comment about once needing a five-subject notebook to keep track of your self talk. I can relate!
I have been known to argue with my self! I’m a 6. I will try the flow writing – thanks =)
Thanks for the post. You helped me greatly expand my awareness of self-talk. I always got the judgment, rationalization, and the rehashing of events, but your list has gone much further. I am a lot more talkative than I originally thought. 🙂