Farther to Go!

Brain-Based Transformational Solutions

Inside Week 6 of What Do You Want?

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This is the sixth and final–but hopefully not forever–guest post by Jean S., who has been sharing her experience of participating the 6-week What Do You Want? course. She previously wrote about week 1, week 2, week 3, week 4, and week 5.

This week we continued exploring and, in some cases, expanding the list of what our heart is connected to, in terms of Big Picture Wants. Having our own personal list of Big Picture Wants (which are fairly intangible), helps us assess whether—and how—the things we are doing now or the goals we are going after fit into this firmament of our own “cosmic values” (my term, not Joycelyn’s).

We can better assess whether we are spending time in activities that don’t get us to any of our Big-Picture Wants. Life is too short for that! So if I suspect this is the case, I want to look deeper to see if there isn’t some Big-Picture type reward, perhaps one I haven’t yet identified, that I am getting from this activity. If something I’m doing seems like a drag or I do it without enthusiasm, it would help me see it and do it differently if I saw it as part of the bigger picture—as getting me one of my BPW’s. But if there is no connection and I do it “just because,” then maybe I could ditch that activity. My suspicion is that many of these kinds of activities actually are connected to the BPW’s, but we don’t usually look at them through that lens.

In order to have my heart in the process of going after my goals, there has to be a relationship between those goals—the things I want to accomplish—and my Big-Picture Wants.

One of the assignments of this final week was to take inventory of our relationship to goals, basically our history with them. We were to list three goals we have achieved, and describe how we did it.  Next we were to list three goals we attempted but did not achieve and describe what happened. Finally, we were to identify three goals we are currently working toward or want to work toward and the progress we’ve made. (Curiously, some of us in the group did not complete the section on goals attempted but not achieved, and those who did complete it reported that it was very difficult to do.)

Before my closing story, I want to thank Joycelyn for the opportunity to make these weekly reports.  If they sounded like gobbledygook, that means I either didn’t do a good job or perhaps you need this course. It was a real eye-opener and learning experience for me and, I’m pretty sure, for my cohorts in this class. Writing the reports has helped me get more out of the class, and helped me get my feet wet in writing for someone other than myself or my loved ones (although, of course, it’s always for myself!)

A Cow of One’s Own

So now, here is one of my goals that I have achieved. I offer it as much for my entertainment as for yours, and with the encouragement of my classmates:

When I was a young woman, I wanted very much to have a Jersey cow, to be close to her and to take care of her.

How I did it:  I kept the goal in front of me, particularly in images such as repeating images of a Brahman cow (which I believe, while still around, are thought to be ancestors of the Jersey) on a bedspread on our bed, for several years. When it was time (for our family) to move on in our life, one of two major requirements in deciding where to move to was to have a small farm so we could have at least one Jersey cow. The other major requirement was being near the sea. I reviewed with one of my farmer cousins the needs and requirements of a milk cow, and eventually we settled in to our small farm by the sea. And when we were ready, the cow appeared.

I haven’t thought, yet, about what Big-Picture Want the cow had to do with, but I assure you there is one!  And, by the way, she really was a teacher.

Inside Week 4 of What Do You Want?

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This is the fourth guest post by Jean S., who is sharing her experience of participating the 6-week What Do You Want? course. She previously wrote about week 1, week 2 and week 3.

During this class we took some time to consider our personal responses to the oft-quoted Marianne Williamson statement: “There is no passion to be found in playing small—in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” Has this quote ever taken your breath away?  Have you ever looked this quote in the eye and asked yourself which way you are living—with passion, or settling?  Or what?  And why?

I find that to think about “the life I am capable of living” versus the life I have lived so far is both scary and exciting at the same time.  I think about how frequently I “play small,” rather than BE who I really am—magnificent and brilliant.  I’m sure this is true of others.

Living with passion, I suspect, is what happens when we engage with even the little things in each day, rather than just to go along, get along, get by each day.  When I bring my own, unique contribution into the world, it’s an offering that only I can give, which is energizing in its own way—for me and, perhaps, for the world around me.

You may find this sort of investigation leads to other questions.  More questions lead to more thought and probably some insights. This is good! As Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Well, you know how spreading that around ended for him. Watch out, Joycelyn.

The Fruits of a Lesser Discontent

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Wanted
(Photo credit: Cayusa)

I don’t mean to imply that all great ideas or outcomes—or at least all of my ideas or outcomes—arise from states of discontent. Some have been the result of a logical progression of thought or activity. Others have come from Aha! moments when my unconscious connected some previously unconnected or unrecognized dots.

But just as a moment of deep existential discontent started me on the path of creating Farther to Go!, a moment of lesser discontent led to the creation of the What Do You Want? course. And weather played a role that time, too.

One overcast and unusually cool early fall day, I rebelled against immersing myself in the tasks I needed to complete. Imagine me mentally stamping my foot and scowling. This isn’t a particularly common occurrence, but it’s definitely more likely to happen on gray days than on sunny ones. In this instance, I decided to make myself a cup of coffee to generate some motivation or at least a small burst of energy.

While I was waiting for the water to boil, I asked myself, out of the blue, what I wanted to do instead of all the boring and tedious stuff. What did I really want to do? If I could do anything. And then it happened! I found myself answering a different question instead, an easier one: What do I want to do that’s practical?

By then I was familiar with the brain’s tendency to substitute an easier question for a hard one and to answer the easier question. But I had never before been aware of it as it happened, and I was kind of stunned. Why couldn’t I answer the original question? What made it too hard to answer? I should know what I want, right?

Well, maybe. Later that day, I decided to try to find out. I set myself the task of asking and answering the question “What do I really want?” every day for 30 days. Not just once, but multiple times, using 5×8 index cards. I ended up with nearly 500 answers, including several surprises. Obviously I hadn’t known everything I wanted.

Afterward, I put the individual items into general categories. That was even more illuminating. But the final step was what made the process priceless. I realized that all the items on my list fit under the umbrella of one or more of what I came to call Big Picture Wants. As I wrote out the words and phrases—in my case 12—of my own Big Picture Wants I knew I was on to something huge. I had been able to identify everything I wanted to have in my life.

Now that I’ve done this, I can’t imagine not being clear about what those things are. How can I set goals, make decisions or choices, or work on habits and intentions without knowing how they fit into the bigger picture? How can anyone?

When discontent strikes, we can try to make it go away quickly, or we can use it as motivation to dig deeper and examine our assumptions. If I were given a choice between being discontent and being complacent, I’d choose being discontent every time.Enhanced by Zemanta

The Gift of Existential Discontent

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English: Wind blowing Silver Birch foliage.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Spring in New Mexico brings longer, brighter days, but those days seem to be carried in on incessant, howling, nasty winds. Two years ago, I was out for a walk on one of those very windy spring days. It was so windy that each step I took was an effort, and effort seemed to accurately describe my entire existence at that point. Abruptly, I thought, If this is how it’s going to be, I’m not interested.

Unhappiness and dissatisfaction are associated with a release of cortisol by the brain. Cortisol makes us want to do something to change how we’re feeling. A low level of cortisol—indicating a low level of discontent—triggers us to do something we know will make us feel better. Immediately! Whether that response is eating something sweet, going for a run, or surfing the internet, it’s automatic. No conscious thought is involved.

Cortisol also makes us pay attention. But more than a little cortisol has to be released before we actually sit up and pay conscious attention to our discontent. Otherwise the stimulus-response of cortisol and self-soothing behavior just runs in the background—at least until we start to notice all the weight we’ve gained or the time we’ve lost.

The amount of existential discontent I experienced that day did not feel good at all. I definitely wanted to do something about it! But I knew there was no easy response or quick fix. I couldn’t just go home and lose myself in a good book or have a glass of wine or play with my cat and expect to forget about it.

If this is how it’s going to be, I’m not interested was the impulse—the inciting incident, you could say—that eventually launched Farther to Go! I didn’t just want to feel better; I wanted to be better. I had a variety of tools to work with, processes and techniques I’d used before, but I quickly recognized none would do the trick this time. So I began carving out a path, hacking through my own wilderness, to find a way to be better.

I was kind of excited about my discoveries (if you know me, feel free to laugh here) and shared them with anyone who would listen. After a few months I began getting together twice a month with several other women. The members of the group changed, and as a result of my ongoing explorations, so did our focus. It was a few months before I found my way to learning about how the brain works and the revelation that underlies Farther to Go!

Trying to understand and change behavior without taking the brain into account is like trying to bake a cake without understanding that baking involves chemical reactions.

Two years ago, I had a general idea of what cortisol was, and since I had been a substance abuse counselor, I knew a little about serotonin and dopamine. But I had no idea how fortunate I was on that windy spring day to experience enough existential discontent that the amount of cortisol my brain released made it impossible to ignore.

Contact Me

joycelyn@farthertogo.com
505-332-8677