One Foolproof Way to Derail Yourself
We all do it. It seems only reasonable. And because of the consistent and predictable result it gets us, we even feel vindicated afterward for doing it.
What is it? It’s not making a full commitment to something: a goal, a project, a habit, a relationship. The fact is we can refuse to make a full commitment to just about anyone or anything. We don’t know how things are going to turn out, so we try to hedge our bets. We hold back—sometimes just a little, but other times quite a lot.
We have various reasons for holding back. Whatever we want is too big. We don’t know exactly how to do it or achieve it. We’ve never done anything like that before. We don’t want to look foolish if we fail. Most of the reasons amount to the same thing: we’re unable to accurately predict the future and be certain of the outcome.
Given what we don’t know about how things will turn out, not making a full commitment seems to be a reasonable, rational stance. But not making a full commitment is actually one of the factors that affect outcomes. It isn’t the only factor, and it may not turn out to be the most significant one, but it’s one factor that is entirely within our control.
Making a 100% commitment to something doesn’t guarantee we’ll succeed. There are no guarantees. But being fully committed definitely gives us an advantage we don’t have when we’re holding back. When we’re fully committed we approach things differently, we see more possibilities and opportunities, stick with things longer, are willing to put in more time and effort, and can be surprisingly creative and innovative.
If we fully commit to something and don’t quite get there, at least we know we went for it. We did as much as we could. We’ll find out a little more about what we’re made of. How much this thing we’re after means to us. How hard we’re willing to work to get it. How high we can really reach. And even if we don’t make it all the way, we won’t be saddled with regret over not having tried.
When we don’t fully commit and don’t quite get there, we’ll never know what we could have done if we had gone for it.
What’s Choice Got to Do with It?
What’s the difference between the things you want to do that you’re actually doing and the things you want to do that you’re struggling with doing?
It often comes down to this: you think you have a choice about doing the things you’re struggling with.
If you’re clear about why you’re doing something (or want to do something) and you’re committed to doing it, you don’t waste ongoing time and effort choosing whether or not to do it each time the situation arises. What kind of sense would that make? It’s something you want to do, you know why you want to do it, and you’re committed to doing it. It may not be easy, but that’s a separate issue. The point is that there’s nothing to be gained—and something to be lost—by not doing it.
- If you have a kid in school who you pick up every afternoon, you don’t think I really should go get Josh, but nah, I’m going to stay home and watch this movie.
- If you have a job you value, you don’t wake up each morning wondering Hmmm, what should I do today? Go to work? Check out the horse races? Maybe drive out to the coast for a leisurely lunch?
- If you have a pet you care for, you don’t ask yourself Should I buy food for Fluffy this week or spend the money on a bottle of wine?
Picking up your kid after school every day may be inconvenient. Getting up and going to work may be an effort some days more than others, even if you love you job. Caring for a pet can be expensive (and maybe Fluffy needs to be on a diet, but still…). There may be some struggle involved in all three situations—but the struggle isn’t about whether or not to follow through on your commitment. It’s a given that you will.
So if you think you have a choice about whether or not to do something, you probably aren’t clear about why you want to do it and you aren’t committed to doing it.
~ ~ ~
Thanks to the participants of the Create Your Own Story! course for inspiring this post.
“I’m Telling You How Difficult a WHY Question Is.”
Here is Richard Feynman describing the difficulties we face when we ask why something is the way it is or why something happened the way it happened. One why? question begets the next and so it goes, on and on. Where do you stop? When are you satisfied with the answer? Is it entirely arbitrary?
You have to know what it is that you’re permitted to understand and allow to be understood and known, and what it is you’re not.
In other words, what can be taken for granted in this process of asking why–and what can’t. The answer to that question could completely alter the answer to the original question. This isn’t trivial. It’s a can of metaphorical, interpretive, linguistic, and existential worms, if you ask me. But as a parlor game, it could be quite a bit of fun!
Consciousness Is Like a Jar of Marbles
Imagine your conscious attention, which really is a limited resource, is a jar and all the thoughts inside it are marbles—or, as I call them, things taking up headspace. The more marbles you have in your jar:
♦ the less conscious attention you have available
♦ the less you’re able to focus
♦ the more easily you’re distracted
♦ the less you’re able to cope with difficult or trying circumstances
♦ the less you’re able to maintain balance or equanimity
♦ the less you’re able to think clearly
♦ the greater your chances of forgetting something or making a mistake
♦ the less you’re able to grasp the bigger picture
♦ the more likely you are to be chronically anxious, stressed, depressed, or irritated
♦ the less joy you’ll experience
You can’t keep adding more marbles to the jar indefinitely. Your brain needs breathing room (headspace) to work efficiently. Otherwise, your thinking and your life are likely to become claustrophobic. If you want to be able to access as much of your conscious attention as possible, you need to develop the intention and the habit of removing marbles from the jar.
First, take care of business. Complete outstanding projects or tasks, resolve issues, fix what needs to be fixed, and get rid of as much clutter and excess baggage as possible.
Second, stop indiscriminately adding new marbles to the jar. Continue taking care of business, don’t take on new stuff or new obligations unless you have to or they are truly meaningful to you. Recognize the allure of these colorful shiny objects and inure yourself to their appeal. You can do it!
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