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Brain-Based Transformational Solutions

How Important Is Your Need to Be Right?

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being rightA heavy investment in being right can lead to all kinds of problems, large and small, personally and interpersonally, even nationally and globally. The underlying source of our drive to be right is survival. Being right enhances our chances of staying alive. In the distant past, if we were wrong too often or about something really important—such as which food was poisonous or which animal was dangerous—we could have ended up dead.

Being and proving we’re right are knee-jerk reactions to perceived threats. Most of us no longer face the same daily threats to life our long-ago ancestors faced. But our brain doesn’t quite get that because it hasn’t changed all that much. It still operates the same way. To our unconscious (System 1), a threat is a threat is a threat—and that includes threats to our beliefs, our opinions, and our good feelings about ourselves and the people we care about. Furthermore, we not only want to see ourselves as being right, we want others to see us that way, too.

Our need to be right gets in the way of clarity in a couple of different ways.

First, refusing to acknowledge we could be wrong about something automatically clouds our judgment. It restricts what we are able to see and understand because we screen out anything that conflicts with the scenario in which we are right.

Second, an investment in being right creates a singular agenda. Rather than focusing on doing the right, or appropriate, thing in the situation, we’re more concerned about being right—or being seen as right—about what we’re doing.

When you argue and win, your brain floods with different hormones: adrenaline and dopamine, which makes you feel good, dominant, even invincible. We get addicted to being right. …Luckily, there’s another hormone that can feel just as good as adrenaline: oxytocin. It’s activated by human connection and it opens up the networks in our executive brain, or prefrontal cortex, further increasing our ability to trust and open ourselves to sharing. —Judith E. Glaser, Organizational Anthropologist

No one enjoys admitting they’re wrong, even to themselves. But we’re all wrong much more often than we’re right. And nobody’s perfect.

What you can do:
  • Recognize that you’re not alone: everyone has the same hardwired need to be right and to be seen as right.
  • If you’re feeling stuck about something, ask yourself if wanting to be right is getting in the way of your judgment or your ability to think clearly.
  • Remind yourself that you’re not still trying to survive on the savannah. Being wrong may be unpleasant or uncomfortable, but it’s highly unlikely to be fatal.

Additional reading: Anger, Adrenaline, and Arrogance: Addiction to Certainty and Do You Confuse Clarity with Certainty?

Do You Confuse Clarity with Certainty

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road ahead

Although we frequently use the terms interchangeably, certainty is not a synonym for clarity.

Certainty itself is an emotional state, not an intellectual one. To create a feeling of certainty, the brain must filter out far more information than it processes. In other words, the more certain you feel, the more likely you are wrong. –Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

There’s a big difference between being unclear—not knowing which step to take—and being uncertain—not knowing what the outcome of taking that step will be. It’s important to distinguish between the two and to be able to recognize whether it’s a lack of clarity or the fear of uncertainty that’s getting in the way.

There’s another big problem with trying to be certain, which is that we can’t be. There’s no way to predict the future—and randomness plays a much bigger role in our lives than we want to believe—so we can’t be certain about the outcome of anything we do. We end up tying ourselves in knots and wasting precious mental resources chasing an illusion.

So if we wait until we can be certain of the outcome of our actions, we’ll never act because the outcome can never be certain. There are no guarantees in life.

The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry. —Robert Burns

Unlike certainty, clarity is not an emotional state. It’s a state of mind: unclouded, unobstructed, unambiguous. Unlike certainty, clarity isn’t arrived at via a tortuous route. Unfortunately, the unconscious part of our brain (System 1) is biased against uncertainty, and so we are biased against it, as well. This is another example of our brain using us instead of the other way around.

What you can do:
  • Practice tolerating uncertainty and not being attached to the outcome.
  • Learn to distinguish between being unclear (not knowing which step to take) and being uncertain (not knowing what the outcome of taking that step will be).

Additional reading: 12 Signs that You Lack Clarity

Hard Choices: What Are You For?

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hard choice

People who don’t exercise their normative powers in hard choices are drifters. We all know people like that. I drifted into being a lawyer. I didn’t put my agency behind lawyering. I wasn’t for lawyering. Drifters allow the world to write the story of their lives. They let mechanisms of reward and punishment—pats on the head, fear, the easiness of an option—determine what they do. So the lesson of hard choices: reflect on what you can put your agency behind, on what you can be for, and through hard choices, become that person.

Far from being sources of agony and dread, hard choices are precious opportunities for us to celebrate what is special about the human condition, that the reasons that govern our choices as correct or incorrect sometimes run out, and it is here, in the space of hard choices, that we have the power to create reasons for ourselves to become the distinctive people that we are. And that’s why hard choices are not a curse but a godsend. —Ruth Chang, philosopher

Click here for the full transcript of Chang’s TED talk or to watch the video.

I’m for learning everything I can to help me use my brain more effectively. And I’m for making a difference by helping others to discover what matters most in their lives and to write their own stories.

Are you writing the story of your life? If not, who is?

Searching for Clarity? Try Writing.

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writing

Writing is a great tool to use when you want to gain clarity about an issue you’re dealing with or are troubled by. This is not news. The catch is that in order to get the best results you need to be clear from the outset about what you want from your writing. You could just fill page after page in a notebook (something I did for quite a few years until I chucked the entire lot), but after you’re finished you may not be any clearer than you were to begin with. You might even be more confused.

Simply writing about a troubling issue can provide benefits, such as helping you feel better, but it isn’t the best way to get clarity.

There are two approaches to writing for clarity—flow writing and deliberate writing—that involve different ways of using the brain. The problem with simply writing about something is that it tends to muddle these two approaches, which means not getting the full benefit of either.

Flow Writing: Making Use of Associative Thinking

The unconscious (System 1) excels in associative thinking. It detects patterns and connects dots quicker than the conscious part of our brain (System 2) can. It’s a fast processor that sometimes sacrifices accuracy for speed. But it also has access to lots of information the conscious brain isn’t aware of.

Flow writing, which is also called free writing, is non-linear, non-rational, and non-logical. There’s no structure to flow writing. You just put your pen to paper and write quickly, letting the words “flow” without censoring or editing them. You don’t stop to think about what you’re writing. The best way to free your mind for flow writing is to set a page limit or use a timer. Flow writing is a good choice if you’re not entirely sure what the problem is. If you have a lot of thoughts swirling around inside your head, you can get them down on paper and take a look at them. But even with flow writing, you’ll get better results if you begin with a specific question to prime your unconscious to focus on the issue or situation at hand.

Deliberate Writing: Making Use of Logical, Linear Thinking

The conscious part of the brain is rational, logical, and linear. It operates at a much slower—more deliberate—speed than the unconscious. A good way to engage conscious thinking to gain clarity about something is to respond to a series of questions or prompts. While flow-writing casts a wide net in search of answers or information, deliberate writing narrows the search.

This 8 Step Problem-Solving exercise is an example of using deliberate thinking to gain clarity. You proceed through the sequence of questions or statements with the intention of reaching some type of resolution about the problem.

Integrated Writing: Making Use of Both Kinds of Thinking

There are times when either flow writing or deliberate writing alone will be sufficient. But integrating them can be much more powerful in terms of results. Integrated writing is synergistic rather than additive, which means the whole (the result) is greater than the sum of the parts you used to arrive at it. A few examples of integrated writing include:

10 minutes of flow writing (System 1 associative thinking) followed by writing the answers to a series of questions (System 2 logical, linear thinking). You can create your own set of questions or use the ones in the 8 Step Problem-Solving exercise.

Write Your Way Out of the Story. For instructions scroll to Antidote #3 in this post on rumination.

Go Deeper: This is a 4-part exercise that’s best to do in one sitting. Begin by writing a question at the top of a blank page and then flow write in response to it for 8-12 minutes. Next, reread what you wrote (engaging System 2), select a sentence or phrase, and write it at the top of another blank page. Flow write in response to this sentence or phrase for 8-12 minutes. Finally, reread both pieces (System 2), find a question—either one you asked in your writing or one that occurs to you after reading—write it at the top of a blank page, and flow write in response to it for 8-12 minutes. Then reread all three pieces and write a one-paragraph summary (System 2).

No matter which type of writing you decide to use, having an intention—being clear about what you’re doing and what you want to get out of your writing—is probably the most important element.

Do You Ever Find Yourself Chewing Your Mental Cud?

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ruminating woman

That’s my definition of rumination—chewing your mental cud. A more elegant definition, provided by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema of Yale University, is “a tendency to passively think about the meaning, origins, and consequences of our negative emotions.” Rumination isn’t the same as worrying. Worrying is usually focused on the future (an anticipated threat), while rumination tends to be focused on past or present events (some type of loss).

We ruminate over external situations and events and about relationships. We also ruminate over our own mistakes and shortcomings. That’s called self-rumination.

Rumination feels like problem-solving, but it actually prevents us from solving problems because it keeps us focused on negative events and emotions. We continue to dwell on our problems instead of attempting to resolve them. Rumination disrupts our self-regulation. Because we want to feel better, we try to distract ourselves or turn to immediate gratification. Rumination also increases stress levels and has a negative effect on our general health.

Rumination is a low level of thinking in which one thought leads to another but never to a solution or a conclusion. Rumination occupies mental space and System 2 (conscious) attention, which is already in short supply. So what can you do to stop yourself from ruminating?

Antidote #1: Practicing Mindfulness

Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally. –Jon Kabat Zin

Mindfulness correlates negatively with rumination. That means practicing mindfulness is effective at decreasing the tendency to ruminate. Mindfulness helps people:

  • Observe themselves, events, and other people with curiosity and compassion
  • Shift their perspective
  • Become less attached to their thoughts, emotions, and sensations
  • See the patterns of their own mind more clearly
  • Recognize changes in their mood
  • Recognize the onset of ruminative thinking
  • Switch to a non-ruminative mode

Mindfulness can help you maintain a focused yet relaxed attention on the present moment. Observing your thoughts without judgment allows them to come and go. You don’t have to get carried away with them. The more you’re able to avoid getting attached to your thoughts, feelings, and sensations, the less likely you will be to develop a rumination habit. When you’re being mindful, it’s especially hard to slip into ruminating over past events.

Mindfulness correlates positively with self-reflection and self-awareness. While mindfulness is likely to decrease your susceptibility to rumination, it won’t affect or interfere with your ability to be self-reflective. In fact, it will enhance it.

You’ll be less likely to get drawn into ruminating if you remain open and curious about what’s going on around you and within you—and curious about your own actions and reactions.

Charles Tart (Waking Up) says:

The practice of self-observation…is the practice of being curious, along with a commitment to do your best to observe and learn whatever is there, regardless of your preferences or fears.

If you diligently practice self-observation, you will see much that is painful and much that is joyful, but seeing more of reality will turn out to be highly preferable to living a fantasy. You will begin creating “something” in yourself, a quality, a function, a skill, akin to learning how the controls of your automated airliner work. And you will be pleasantly surprised at how much more there is to life.

Antidote #2: Work on Solving the Problem

Problem-solving requires conscious attention. You can’t ruminate and problem-solve at the same time. If you focus your attention on addressing and dealing with the issue, you’re less likely to continue ruminating over it. Grab some paper and a pen and try this eight-step process.

  1. Identify and clearly define the problem.
  2. Ask yourself why you want to solve this problem.
  3. Imagine it solved.
  4. Gather information and/or brainstorm ideas.
  5. Consider alternatives.
  6. Decide on a plan and develop it.
  7. Implement the plan.
  8. Adjust as necessary.
Antidote #3: Write Your Way Out of Your Story

Negative feelings are the fuel for rumination. They can be so compelling they keep us caught up in the story we’ve spun long past the point we know we should let it go. This writing exercise can help you separate the facts from your feelings so you can disengage from the story.

You will need a pen or pencil and paper, a highlighter pen, and a timer.

  • Set your timer for at least 10 minutes.
  • Begin writing, describing what happened or what’s bothering you in in as much detail as possible. Keep your pen moving across the page. Don’t stop to think about what you’re writing. Just continue putting words on paper without editing or censoring. (Let it all hang out.)
  • When your timer goes off, stop writing. Reread what you wrote with the intention of identifying facts (as opposed to feelings, opinions, conjecture, etc.). Either highlight each fact, or list the facts on a separate page.
  • Reread only the facts. Take a few minutes to summarize in writing what you discovered or how you now think or feel. If there’s something you want or need to do about the situation, write a declarative sentence to that effect.
Antidote #4: Come Up with an Anti-Rumination Image

Rumination keeps you stuck traveling the same ground over and over again, your attention focused inward. It stops forward progress. There are many different metaphors or images you can probably think of for rumination (things that keep you stuck or block your progress or things that take up space, for example), such as:

  • A roadblock
  • Junk thinking
  • Mental clutter
  • Brain fog
  • A brick wall
  • A no exit sign
  • MindLESSness
  • Being under the influence

Find an image that works for you. The next time you find yourself ruminating, turn your attention to the image to remind yourself of how unproductive and destructive rumination is.

And if that doesn’t work, just STOP IT! (Thank you, Ana.)

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