Habit Archives - Page 16 of 19

4-Step Program for Reason Addicts

February 20, 2014 by Joycelyn Campbell 4 Comments

Believing that reasons are responsible for what we feel, think, and do is a habit of thought that has many characteristics of an addiction. We have to have reasons. We can’t imagine living without them. Coming up with a good reason for something is one of the most satisfying experiences we can have.

Even when we recognize–conceptually–that reasons don’t actually exist and that the reason habit is self-destructive and delusional, we still can’t just quit reasons cold turkey.

So here’s a 4-step program that may help.

Step 1

Admit that you can’t do (or not do) anything without having a reason for it.

I did (or didn’t do) Y because of X.

You can’t think, feel, or do anything other than what you think, feel, or do because reasons cause you to think and feel certain things—and do (or not do) the things you do. You are at the effect, and at the mercy, of all the causes surrounding you. You are powerless. A pawn in the Game of Life. (Too melodramatic? Not really.)

Step 2

Question the assumption that reasons have both an independent existence and a direct cause-and-effect relationship with what you think, feel, and do.

X happened, and so I decided to do (or not do) Y.

Take a deep breath. Insert yourself into the equation. When you take some responsibility, you also regain some of your autonomy and power. Notice your reaction.

Step 3

Recognize that no direct cause-and-effect relationship necessarily exists between what happens (or what happened–especially in the far distant past) and what you think, feel, or do.

X happened and I did (or didn’t do) Y.

When you stop habitually turning situations, events, conditions, encounters, and incidents into reasons, you reclaim even more of your power. Notice that far more possibilities exist than you may have previously recognized.

Step 4

Free yourself from the habit of creating reasons to justify and explain every little thing. Just do it. Or don’t do it.

I did (or didn’t do) Y.

Discover and exercise your amazing ability to simply act. Experience the freedom of being a cause rather than an effect.

A Mind Really IS a Terrible Thing to Waste

August 25, 2013 by Joycelyn Campbell 5 Comments

A snag amongst other living trees. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Science is telling us something we already knew—even if we hadn’t put it into words. We have a limited amount of conscious attention, and when we’ve exhausted it on a task, there’s nothing we can do to immediately replenish it.

But we don’t just exhaust conscious attention on important matters or complex tasks. We squander it bit-by-bit on dozens of things throughout the day. As if that weren’t bad enough, we often squander it on the same darn things day after day after day.

I’ve had an annoying problem with my car for what I thought was the past year and a half but then found out was the past two and a half years. It isn’t as though I hadn’t tried to get it taken care of because I made multiple unsuccessful attempts to do so. In the meantime, I learned to put up with the problem. I didn’t have to think about it unless I wanted or needed to drive my car. But every time I started my car and attempted to drive it, I was forced to put my conscious attention on a routine my basal ganglia normally handles.

Recently, I had to take my car into the shop for an unrelated issue. This time I told the mechanic I didn’t care what it took to resolve the other longstanding problem, I just wanted it fixed once and for all. And lo and behold, it has been fixed! It took about a week before starting the car and driving it stopped snagging my conscious attention each and every time.

The experience led me to notice other things I’ve been putting up with in various areas of my life—things that snag my conscious attention repeatedly. I made a list of various minor but highly visible things that need to be taken care of in my apartment and gave it to the maintenance manager of the complex the other day. These issues all resulted from a series of upgrades that were done about two years ago. At least I thought it was two years ago. Turns out I was wrong about that, too. It was actually three years ago.

I began to notice that every time one of these things-I’m-not-taking-care-of rears its head, I have to give it conscious attention if only to disregard it. That’s true whether it’s something visible in my apartment, something I’ve been wanting to do, something I haven’t finished, or something I’ve been needing to take care of in another area of my life. It’s as if “not now” has become the mantra for these things. Compared to some, my list of things-I’m-not-taking-care-of may be relatively small, but that doesn’t matter. Everything on it still takes up headspace, still snags my conscious attention. There are things in life we do have to tolerate (put up with, if you will), but we don’t have to tolerate these kinds of things. And we do ourselves no favor by tolerating or putting up with them.

So my intention for the rest of 2013 is to clear up every item in my backlog of things-I’m-not-taking-care-of, no matter how large or small. I have only a dim idea of what it might be like to face a new year without these things taking up headspace and without regularly giving my conscious attention away to them. But I can’t wait to find out.

Write Your Way Out of the Story

July 30, 2013 by Joycelyn Campbell 1 Comment

The left hemisphere of our brain includes what Daniel Kahneman calls an “interpreter.” The interpreter is constantly trying to…well…interpret everything we experience. Since we find it easier to understand stories than details or information, the interpreter spins many a story to explain things to us. We tend to believes that these stories accurately represent reality. Occasionally the stories may come close to doing that, but much more often they miss the mark by a wide margin.

What’s worse, sometimes these stories get stuck in our head and continue spinning out of control, taking up headspace and essentially hijacking us by claiming a portion of our attention. There’s a simple three-step writing tool I’ve found to be really useful in such situations. I call it “Writing Your Way Out of the Story.”

Step 1:

Set a timer for 10 minutes and flow write (write without stopping to reflect, keeping your pen moving across the page). Let it all hang out. Don’t censor or edit. You’re not trying to look good or be reasonable. Think of it as emptying onto the page everything that’s been spinning around in your head.

Step 2:

At the end of 10 minutes, take a highlighter pen and skim what you just wrote looking for actual facts. “Jim didn’t tell me about the meeting” is a fact. “Jim is trying to sabotage me” is not. Highlight only the actual facts. The rest is your story about the facts.

Step 3:

Reread only the highlighted sentences or phrases. Alternatively, copy them on a separate page.

Separating the facts from the story about the facts often has the effect of dismantling the story, draining the emotion from it, and freeing you to either let go and move on or—if there’s an issue or problem to be resolved—figure out what to do about it.

The longer and more frequently we give free rein to the stories spinning around in our heads, the more we come to believe they are true, the less control we have over ourselves, and the harder it is to see things from any other perspective. These stories tend to color our worldview and they contribute to a cascade of stress, anxiety, and a myriad of other problems. Taking 15 minutes to separate the facts from the story has always been time well spent for me.

Self-Talk Radio: It’s Always On the Air

July 27, 2013 by Joycelyn Campbell 4 Comments

Our monkey minds are constantly chattering away, leaping from one thought to another, unchecked and unguided. We have many conflicting wants, needs, and goals but little available headspace in which to sort them out. Most of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are not even consciously generated. They’re the result of what neuroscientist David Eagleman calls zombie systems and alien subroutines. In addition, we’re unaware of how vulnerable we are to influence from the environment. We are reportedly mentally AWOL at least 50% of the time. If you don’t believe that, just try tuning in to your own self talk. But be prepared to be appalled.

You’re engaging in some variation of self-talk whenever you:

Explain yourself to yourself
Explain external events and other people to yourself
Assign blame
Rationalize
Justify
Judge
React to events and other people
Rehash events
Mentally argue with yourself or others
Come to conclusions
Recall past events
Berate yourself
Make comparisons
Make predictions about the future
Encourage yourself
Give yourself directions
Remind yourself or keep a mental to-do list
Rehearse for the future

Most of these categories of self-talk are not very productive or what anyone would call positive. It’s part of the human condition. But self-talk can have a very powerful effect on us—especially when we’re tuned in to it unconsciously rather than consciously. On the other hand, tuning in to your self-talk is a great way to find out what’s going on in your unconscious.

Notice the ongoing stream of self-talk. Some of it is productive, some of it is neutral, and a lot of it is counterproductive.
Notice your inclination to label, judge, or try to change it—which creates additional self-talk.
Notice what kinds of themes your self-talk has. Does it bolster a particular mental, emotional, or physical state? Do particular events or situations hook you more often than others? Do you find yourself rerunning mental tapes?
Notice your emotions. What’s the relationship between your self-talk and the way you feel?
Notice your physical sensations. What’s the relationship between your self-talk and your physical state?

Instead of judging or trying to change your self-talk, try these gentle tools.

Ask questions. (Is that true? What do I want? What actually happened? etc.)
Empty the trash. If a particular situation or issue has hooked you and you want to get it out of your head, set a timer for 10 minutes and flow-write (keep writing without lifting your pen from the paper and without reflecting) about it. When you’re finished, do not reread what you wrote. Just toss it.
Focus your attention. Choose a word or phrase to focus your attention in the moment so you can redirect your thoughts.

A great way to pay attention to your self-talk is to get a pocket-sized notebook to carry with you. Each time you become aware of your self-talk, jot down the date, time, and a brief summary of your self-talk. The notebook is a cue for you to pay attention, and the more often you write in it, the more aware you will become of how you talk to yourself, what you talk to yourself about, and what effect it has on you.

Remember that Self-Talk Radio is always on the air—so you can tune in any time.

A Shortcut to Self-Awareness

July 25, 2013 by Joycelyn Campbell 4 Comments

If you aren’t yet convinced that much of what you do is completely outside your conscious intentions and control, the Enneagram might change your mind. At the time I wrote the following introductory post (Know Thyself) for my Enneagram blog Nine Paths, I had yet to learn just how much of our lives we spend on autopilot.

When you identify your type, you may find that the Enneagram knows you better than you knew yourself. It isn’t the personality equivalent of a Theory of Everything, but it gives you a place to look, a way to pay attention to what you’re doing, thinking, and feeling. It’s absolutely the best tool I’ve found for demonstrating how habitual and compulsive our behavior is and for expanding self-awareness. Unless we develop self-awareness, we have little chance of changing or overriding our compulsive behavior.

Know Thyself

Was the ancient Greek sage who inscribed those words at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi exhorting us to understand ourselves? It isn’t entirely clear. But it is clear that Socrates, who insisted the unexamined life is not worth living, meant exactly that when he used the same words. But how do we examine our lives? How do we get to know ourselves?

The Enneagram is one means to that end. It is an apparently simple, yet rich and complex system that reveals our strengths and weaknesses, our deeper-level motivations, and most importantly, the compulsions that often rule our (unexamined) lives. We move through this world under the impression we’re making authentic choices, but most of the time we’re just blindly following our compulsions, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome. We’re living our lives on autopilot; asleep at the wheel.

Only after we become aware of our habitual patterns of behavior and responses can we turn the autopilot switch off and freelychoose what to do or how to respond. The better we know ourselves, the less likely we are to be ruled by our compulsions. The less we are ruled by our compulsions, the more open and authentic we are. Gaining this depth of personal knowledge and understanding has another benefit, also pointed out by Socrates: it helps us understand other people better, too. In fact, Socrates believed we have to understand ourselves before we can truly understand anyone or anything else.

At the simplest level, the Enneagram can be viewed as a personality typing system, but don’t think recognizing and accepting your Enneagram type will strip you of your unique sense of identity or individuality by lumping you together with every other person of the same type. Far from being a narrow one-size-fits-all box, each point has plenty of room for subtleties and variations.

Since it doesn’t simply pigeonhole people, but is a comprehensive and multifaceted system, it takes a bit of effort to fully grasp. Numerous books are now available on the Enneagram, written from various perspectives. Below is a very basic overview of the key elements.

Enneagram is a Greek word that means nine points. The Enneagram symbol is composed of a triangle and a hexad within a circle.

enneagram_small

The resulting nine points represent nine basic, or core, personality types, each of which has a unique perspective and approach to life. The theory behind the Enneagram is that we each polarize at one of the nine points. We then overdevelop the characteristics associated with that point, while leaving the characteristics associated with the other points undeveloped. So each point also represents a particular type of imbalance. Our core personality type doesn’t change over the course of a lifetime, but as we become aware of our imbalances, we gain the ability to moderate them. We are no longer ruled by them.

Read the rest of the post here.