One Foolproof Way to Derail Yourself
We all do it. It seems only reasonable. And because of the consistent and predictable result it gets us, we even feel vindicated afterward for doing it.
What is it? It’s not making a full commitment to something: a goal, a project, a habit, a relationship. The fact is we can refuse to make a full commitment to just about anyone or anything. We don’t know how things are going to turn out, so we try to hedge our bets. We hold back—sometimes just a little, but other times quite a lot.
We have various reasons for holding back. Whatever we want is too big. We don’t know exactly how to do it or achieve it. We’ve never done anything like that before. We don’t want to look foolish if we fail. Most of the reasons amount to the same thing: we’re unable to accurately predict the future and be certain of the outcome.
Given what we don’t know about how things will turn out, not making a full commitment seems to be a reasonable, rational stance. But not making a full commitment is actually one of the factors that affect outcomes. It isn’t the only factor, and it may not turn out to be the most significant one, but it’s one factor that is entirely within our control.
Making a 100% commitment to something doesn’t guarantee we’ll succeed. There are no guarantees. But being fully committed definitely gives us an advantage we don’t have when we’re holding back. When we’re fully committed we approach things differently, we see more possibilities and opportunities, stick with things longer, are willing to put in more time and effort, and can be surprisingly creative and innovative.
If we fully commit to something and don’t quite get there, at least we know we went for it. We did as much as we could. We’ll find out a little more about what we’re made of. How much this thing we’re after means to us. How hard we’re willing to work to get it. How high we can really reach. And even if we don’t make it all the way, we won’t be saddled with regret over not having tried.
When we don’t fully commit and don’t quite get there, we’ll never know what we could have done if we had gone for it.
Inside Week 6 of What Do You Want?
This is the sixth and final–but hopefully not forever–guest post by Jean S., who has been sharing her experience of participating the 6-week What Do You Want? course. She previously wrote about week 1, week 2, week 3, week 4, and week 5.
This week we continued exploring and, in some cases, expanding the list of what our heart is connected to, in terms of Big Picture Wants. Having our own personal list of Big Picture Wants (which are fairly intangible), helps us assess whether—and how—the things we are doing now or the goals we are going after fit into this firmament of our own “cosmic values” (my term, not Joycelyn’s).
We can better assess whether we are spending time in activities that don’t get us to any of our Big-Picture Wants. Life is too short for that! So if I suspect this is the case, I want to look deeper to see if there isn’t some Big-Picture type reward, perhaps one I haven’t yet identified, that I am getting from this activity. If something I’m doing seems like a drag or I do it without enthusiasm, it would help me see it and do it differently if I saw it as part of the bigger picture—as getting me one of my BPW’s. But if there is no connection and I do it “just because,” then maybe I could ditch that activity. My suspicion is that many of these kinds of activities actually are connected to the BPW’s, but we don’t usually look at them through that lens.
In order to have my heart in the process of going after my goals, there has to be a relationship between those goals—the things I want to accomplish—and my Big-Picture Wants.
One of the assignments of this final week was to take inventory of our relationship to goals, basically our history with them. We were to list three goals we have achieved, and describe how we did it. Next we were to list three goals we attempted but did not achieve and describe what happened. Finally, we were to identify three goals we are currently working toward or want to work toward and the progress we’ve made. (Curiously, some of us in the group did not complete the section on goals attempted but not achieved, and those who did complete it reported that it was very difficult to do.)
Before my closing story, I want to thank Joycelyn for the opportunity to make these weekly reports. If they sounded like gobbledygook, that means I either didn’t do a good job or perhaps you need this course. It was a real eye-opener and learning experience for me and, I’m pretty sure, for my cohorts in this class. Writing the reports has helped me get more out of the class, and helped me get my feet wet in writing for someone other than myself or my loved ones (although, of course, it’s always for myself!)
A Cow of One’s Own
So now, here is one of my goals that I have achieved. I offer it as much for my entertainment as for yours, and with the encouragement of my classmates:
When I was a young woman, I wanted very much to have a Jersey cow, to be close to her and to take care of her.
How I did it: I kept the goal in front of me, particularly in images such as repeating images of a Brahman cow (which I believe, while still around, are thought to be ancestors of the Jersey) on a bedspread on our bed, for several years. When it was time (for our family) to move on in our life, one of two major requirements in deciding where to move to was to have a small farm so we could have at least one Jersey cow. The other major requirement was being near the sea. I reviewed with one of my farmer cousins the needs and requirements of a milk cow, and eventually we settled in to our small farm by the sea. And when we were ready, the cow appeared.
I haven’t thought, yet, about what Big-Picture Want the cow had to do with, but I assure you there is one! And, by the way, she really was a teacher.
Inside Week 5 of What Do You Want?
This is the fifth guest post by Jean S., who is sharing her experience of participating the 6-week What Do You Want? course. She previously wrote about week 1, week 2, week 3, and week 4.
Now that we have gone through the entire four-week list of “What I really want is…” entries, sorting all the answers into as many categories as we seem to have, we are learning what kinds of things Big-Picture Wants are. Some things seem so important that they must be BPW’s, but upon reflection we find we can unpack them further—by asking again: why? Most of what we do gets us something, hopefully something positive, but is what we think we get out of it the real reason we find it worthwhile to do ?
Big-Picture Wants are the “ends,” the motivators of all our consciously determined behavior. They are not the automatic urges of System 1, the unconscious.
Probing reflection is a tool we use a lot here. Writing to answer the question why? sometimes leads to unexpected results. For instance, here is one of mine: To the question, “What is one thing you really want?” I answered: To have enough income so we don’t have to worry about money.
- Why? To be able to discharge our responsibilities to our children.
- Why? It is the right thing to do. My husband and I took on the assignment of helping these boys grow and learn and launch onto the seas of life.
- Why? The job of parents is to “show them the ropes” of life–even in the world of nature.
- Why? We want them to find that which makes them sing in their hearts, to be good, decent human beings, able and willing to help others and contribute to the world while supporting themselves.
This is a somewhat simplistic and incomplete exploration. I stopped there, yet can see it could have gone farther. The surprise for me is to see that while the One Thing I was probing was the desire to have more money, much of what I explain in the exploration of it either has nothing to do with money or has been accomplished without our having much money, anyway. Funny how I mislead myself without knowing I have done that.
Your Big-Picture Wants, by the way, are not some list Joycelyn or someone else came up with. They are YOURS. Once we will have identified at least most of our Big-Picture Wants, then we can use goals, habits, and intentions as the means to getting our Big Picture Wants.
For sure I can see that more money is not a Big-Picture Want. What we may want the money for, though, can point us to some Big-Picture Wants. The goal of “enough money not to have to worry about money” is a means to the ends, perhaps, of Love, Joy, Contribution, Purpose, and several others I can think of.
Inside Week 3 of What Do You Want?
This is the third guest post by Jean S., who is sharing her experience of participating the 6-week What Do You Want? course. She previously wrote about week 1 and week 2.
Any time we set out to solve a problem of any sort is a good time to question whether we have found the right problem, first. Creative problem finding was the main focus for week 3 of the What Do You Want? course.
What I am learning is that in making a list of “what I really want is…,” it is useful and interesting at some point to ask of an answer that comes up, “What problem that I have would that solve?”
There is sometimes more than one core reason that we want a thing, more than one need we think it will fill. So keep bouncing off the “want” with another answer to the question, “What problem would this solve?” This is, perhaps, a specialized form of the why? questions of last week. “What problem would that solve?” can help us see where a “want” has many layers, many threads that can be teased out.
Then after asking “What other problem does that solve” and getting perhaps multiple and diverse answers, another question may be asked: “What other ways might there be by which I can get “the thing that I really want?” This is the process of finding the right problem.
Handouts and writing activities in class included exploring one thing we want in more depth by repeatedly asking why? to dig below the first or usual responses our brain serves up to us.
What I Really Want Is… (working with the cards)
In order to keep up with the pace we need in order to take the steps Joycelyn has designed for this process of getting to the heart of the matter in 6 weeks, I find I have to schedule in the writing time each day, or it gets shoved aside more often than not. After all, it’s a course, and I’m not really taking the course if I don’t do the homework. What a coincidence—being able to write every day is one of my prime desires. How sweet!
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