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Brain-Based Transformational Solutions

My Heart: The Practical Value of Knowing What You Want

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vitality

I teach a course called What Do You Want? that’s based on a process I developed to help me create a more consistently satisfying and meaningful life. It didn’t become part of my program curriculum until I recognized that without knowing what they really want my clients can’t make effective use of the tools I teach them.

The purpose of the course is to identify what I call Big Picture Wants. There’s a psychological term for this, higher order wants, but the concept seems to be a well-kept secret. I do a lot of reading and researching in this area, and I didn’t come across a reference to higher order wants until after I started teaching the What Do You Want? course.

There’s a belief out there in the world that it’s OK—even necessary—to get your needs met, but getting what you want is optional. (Do you really need it or is it just something you want?) It may seem as if trying to get a need met or satisfied is less self-centered or narcissistic than pursuing something you want, but that isn’t the case. It’s simply more underhanded, and it actually keeps your attention focused on you.

There aren’t that many things we need from a survival standpoint: food, water, shelter, and social connections cover most of them. Nearly everything else is optional.

But, as David DiSalvo says, “We have a big brain capable of greatness,” so we’re not satisfied with merely surviving. We want more. We’re actually wired to want more. But we can go either way with that. System 1, the unconscious part of the brain that runs us most of the time, is focused on the short-term, on immediate gratification, on feeling good. System 2, the conscious part of the brain is focused on the long-term, on the bigger picture, on plans, goals, and dreams.

If we don’t know what we really want—meaning what leads to a satisfying and meaningful life as we define it—we’re likely to succumb to what feels good or what’s easiest in the moment. What we’re chasing over the long-term has to be compelling enough to keep us focused and not susceptible to immediate gratification.

I’ve never been clearer about how important this is than I am right now.

Roadwork Ahead

This past December I developed a process for reassessing and prioritizing my own Big Picture Wants for 2016. As I went through the exercises, I realized that one of them—vitality—was a keystone for the others. I want vitality for its own sake, but vitality also positively impacts every one of my other BPWs. Being aware of how important vitality is to me allows me to focus more attention on it, which has a cascade effect on the rest of them.

Armed with this awareness, I set out in January to increase my level of physical exercise and pay more attention to what I eat. And through the first six weeks of the year, I felt fantastic—full of vitality and very productive, focused, and energetic. Then came the crash.

I had an incident while I was using the treadmill one day in February that was somewhat alarming but didn’t stop me from completing my workout. I had a similar, though milder, incident the following day. But the next time I used the treadmill, everything felt normal. About a week after that, I started having chest congestion and trouble breathing. I’d been having some sinus congestion on and off, so I thought the chest congestion was related. I kept up most of my scheduled activities, but it became more and more difficult to do that. I facilitated a four-hour workshop the last Saturday in February and had to have someone else carry my materials from my car into the building.

The following Monday, a friend took me to the ER, where over the course of the day and numerous tests, it was determined that I was in heart failure as a result of undiagnosed mitral valve stenosis and atrial fibrillation and/or flutter. I was transferred to another hospital where I remained for the next seven days.

Three cardiologists are convinced I had rheumatic fever as a child, which is the usual cause of mitral valve stenosis. My general cardiologist claims it is “remarkable” I had no symptoms prior to February because the stenosis is moderately severe.

Lost and Found

This was definitely a life-changing experience, but primarily because I was quite aware I had lost—at least temporarily and possibly permanently—the thing that mattered most to me. Shortly after leaving the hospital, I resumed walking every day, but it was a slog and I wasn’t clear why. I kept up most of my activities but I tired much more easily and although I enjoyed facilitating my classes as much as ever, life was not nearly as invigorating as it had been before.

Then my general cardiologist decided that all of my EKG results indicated I had an atrial flutter, not fibrillation. He referred me to a heart rhythm specialist to be evaluated for a catheter ablation, a procedure that had the potential for eliminating the atrial flutter by destroying the parts of the heart that are causing it. The rhythm specialist explained that my heart was beating 240 times per minute, but due to a conversion (2:1) within the electrical circuit, my pulse measured 120. It was 120 when I was sleeping and 120 when I was exerting myself. It never changed, which was why I was having so much difficulty walking and why I was so tired.

The day the procedure was supposed to happen, it was discovered that my flutter is on the left side (atypical) rather than the right side, so I didn’t get the ablation. Instead they did cardioversion to shock my heart into a normal rhythm. That almost always works but it’s temporary (5 minutes, 5 weeks, 5 years…you never know). So I was put on a medication to maintain the normal rhythm.

It took a few days after this procedure for me to notice the difference. My pulse rate was back to increasing and decreasing the way it’s supposed to. Walking suddenly became much easier and much more enjoyable. Within a few more days I was back to walking at my usual pace for the usual amount of time. And I had energy. I had focus. I had enthusiasm. My vitality was back!

Having had it, lost it, and regained it confirmed its value and importance to me. It’s what I want. It’s what I really want. I now have numerous inconvenient dietary restrictions, which means I have to spend more time preparing my own meals, but if I do that I’m more likely to maintain vitality. I’ve recently been cleared for any and all forms of exercise, which I enjoy doing anyway, but if I do them regularly I’m more likely to maintain vitality. I have way too many medical appointments (11 this month) that eat up a lot of time. But being monitored is something that can help me keep on the right track and maintain vitality.

So I don’t have any internal dialogue about whether or not I’m going to do any of these things because I’m very clear what doing them gets me. I don’t do them because I’m “supposed to” or “have to.” And no will power is involved. I’m not remotely tempted to slack off because vitality is much more compelling to me than any short-term gratification. That simplifies decision-making and makes doing what I need to do easy. (I wrote this post before the major disruption, so there’s some irony in what followed. But my attitude hasn’t changed.)

That’s really the point of identifying Big Picture Wants. When you know what you really want—and you know what it takes to get it—the path ahead is clear. You don’t need to motivate yourself or talk yourself into doing those things because why wouldn’t you do them?

~

At the moment, my heart is in a normal rhythm and my heart failure is “well under control.” At some point there will need to be an intervention in regard to the mitral valve, but I don’t have another appointment with the valve specialist for six months. And I’m now down from three cardiologists to two. As Dr. S said the last time I saw him, “Who needs three cardiologists? You’re not that sick.” Cue the theme from “Rocky.”

Give Up Choice; Get What You Really Want

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boston snowstorm

Being clear about what you really want and why you want it is essential if you want to bring about a behavioral change. The what and the why provide you with direction: your highly desirable outcome. But if you don’t feel a sense of urgency about creating that outcome, you’re likely to continue operating on the assumption that you can choose whether or not to do what you need to do to get there.

If you want to change the status quo, the outcome you’re after has to be so compelling that you’re willing to give up the freedom to not have it. I’ll give you a personal example.

Vitality is a highly desirable outcome for me. One thing that contributes significantly to my level of vitality is a combination of physical activities, such as walking, hiking, using a treadmill, and strength training. I generally enjoy doing those things as much as I enjoy the results of doing them. A couple of years ago, I had a much more regular schedule that allowed me to walk nearly every morning, hike a couple of times a month, and get in four strength training sessions a week at the gym. But that hasn’t been the case for the past year.

When my schedule changed, my level of physical activity declined and became hit-or-miss instead of regular. At the beginning of last summer, I decided to start walking for 25-35 minutes every day. That seemed like something I could reasonably commit to. Although it wasn’t ideal, it was a start. So from May 31st through today, I have walked or walked and used a treadmill every single day, no exceptions.

In September, I decided to increase my target to 45 minutes a day and have reached that most days. In December, I took a deeper look at how important vitality really is to me (VERY!) and realized that walking wasn’t enough. I get a better aerobic workout on a treadmill. In fact, I’d made a few attempts to get over to the gym to use the treadmill in the fall, but didn’t get far because I felt like I had a choice as to whether or not to do it. On December 19th, after an insanely busy two weeks, I decided to start using the treadmill three times a week, no exceptions. Since the best I’d managed during the  previous 12 months was three times in one month, I may have been overly optimistic.

But even though my schedule isn’t any more accommodating than it was before, I am now using the treadmill three times a week. The difference is that having decided to do it, I stopped giving myself a choice. I schedule the day and time I’m going to go to the gym. I may have to reschedule once in a while, but because I have no choice, I always get my three sessions in.

Going to the gym brought home to me how much I miss strength training and how wonderful I felt when I was doing it. I had a portable weight bench in the garage and a few sets of hand weights in a closet, and I realized that even if I couldn’t go to the gym to do it, I could do some upper body strength training at home. So on January 1st, I decided to include three 30-minute sessions of upper-body strength training each week, no exceptions.

Of course, I feel much better as a result of all of the increased physical activity, but maintaining this schedule is far from easy or comfortable. It’s winter now, and on the days I’m scheduled to walk outside for 45 minutes, the wind chill might be in the mid-20s, and snow might be blowing directly in my face. Winter, to put it mildly, is not my favorite season. I’ve been known to hike in the Sandia foothills when the temperature was in the mid-90s. If I could dress in shorts, T-shirt, and sandals all year, I would be ecstatic. But as I’m writing this, we’ve just had three brutally windy and cold days in a row, the coldest so far this winter. If I gave myself a choice as to whether or not to put on multiple layers of clothing and subject myself to the elements, I would never do it.

But having made the decision to invest in my vitality, I’m willing to tolerate (not always silently) the discomfort and occasional pain in the moment for the medium and long-term outcomes I’m after. And because I don’t have a choice in the matter, I don’t waste any time whatsoever debating whether or not to follow through or trying to talk myself in or out of doing what I have decided to do.

When the path ahead is clear, why wouldn’t you take the obvious next step?

By giving up the freedom to not have it, I get to have what I really want. And although it isn’t always easy, it is astonishingly simple.

Note: This is the fourth in a series of posts. To follow the thread, select the category Making Different Choices in the box under Explore.

How Do Decisions Affect Your Choices?

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choice snooze

Moment-to-moment, the vast majority of the choices you seem to be making are being made for you by the unconscious part of your brain. You do have both the ability and the opportunity to affect your choices, but you may not be making the best use of either.

The terms choice and decision are often used interchangeably, which muddies our understanding of the process of taking one action instead of another. So let’s make a distinction.

A decision is a conclusion you reach after some consideration of a significant issue. It involves thinking or deliberation. That means a decision is a result of a conscious (System 2) process. Some examples are: moving to a new city or staying where you are; keeping your current job or looking for a new one; trying to iron out the problems in your relationship or separating from your partner.

A choice, on the other hand, is more immediate and—at least in the short term—usually less consequential. Choices are generally the result of unconscious (System 1) predictions and responses. Some examples are: selecting from a restaurant menu; determining which movie to see; getting up with the alarm or hitting the snooze button.

Over time, the choices you make add up: to an outcome you want or to an outcome you don’t want. If you hit the snooze button every morning instead of getting up when you need to, you could end up getting to work late often enough that your employer notices. That’s probably not a desirable outcome. If you regularly select healthy meals in restaurants, you could end up maintaining a healthy weight or improving your sense of well-being, either of which is a desirable outcome.

If you don’t have much influence over your moment-to-moment choices, how can you influence them to add up to outcomes you want instead of outcomes you don’t want?

If you want your choices to add up to positive outcomes, you need to clearly identify what those positive outcomes are. Not only do you need to know what outcomes you want, you also need to be clear about why you want those outcomes. Identifying the what and the why requires conscious deliberation, and anything that requires conscious deliberation is energy intensive for your brain.

The decision-making process is sometimes protracted and even painful. For many people, it involves making a list of pros and cons, which is not a particularly effective strategy. Trying to imagine how you will feel if you achieve a specific outcome is also ineffective. There’s plenty of research to indicate that humans are notoriously poor at affective forecasting (being able to predict how we will feel in the future). No matter how much time you invest or how carefully you consider your options, you still can’t guarantee you’ll be happy with the outcome.

That’s why the default response is to throw up one’s hands and give in to following the path of least resistance. It means letting your brain continue choosing for you because it’s just so much easier. Learning how to use your brain to regulate your behavior (choices) definitely does not come naturally or easily.

Given that the unconscious part of your brain is completely capable of making the majority of your choices for you—with no input from you—why bother expending energy and mental effort on decision-making or trying to change your behavior?

The short answer is because you have consciousness. You’re driven to try to change your behavior because you can imagine outcomes other than the ones you have gotten or are likely to get if you continue along the path you’re on. Simply following the path of least resistance may be easy, but it isn’t satisfying and it doesn’t provide you with a sense of meaning.

In order to have a meaningful and satisfying life you need to master the process of changing the status quo.

So…what do you want to change? And why do you want to change it? If you can’t answer those two questions, the how is irrelevant.

Note: This is the third in a series of posts. To follow the thread, select the category Making Different Choices in the box under Explore.

Can You Muscle Your Way to Change?

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choice muscle3

Changing the status quo isn’t easy. The unconscious part of your brain, which might be said to be allergic to change, is way ahead of the conscious part, especially in familiar situations. It’s built to predict what’s likely to happen next, construct multiple response scenarios, and initiate the response it considers the most effective—not the response you consider most effective.

That’s why habits seem to have so much power over us. They are very familiar to your unconscious, which bases its predictions and responses on previous experience. You may want to have a salad for lunch, but if you’ve been having burgers and fries on a regular basis, your brain is going to “choose” the burgers and fries. You may want to take a walk in the morning before going to work, but if you’re in the habit of spending that time with an extra cup of coffee and the newspaper, that’s what your brain is programmed to “choose” for you.

The part of your brain that can image you making—or having made—a different choice is not the part of your brain that makes choices.

The unconscious part of your brain is only interested in making a different choice if your immediate survival appears to be threatened. Your unconscious doesn’t engage in long-term planning or prediction. So even though both replacing burgers and fries with a salad and replacing sitting and reading the newspaper with half an hour of walking might increase your long-term health and well-being, those changes have no impact on your immediate survival.

Besides, you might not enjoy the salad as much as you enjoy the burger and fries—at least at first—and you might not enjoy trading the extra cup of coffee for going outside to take a walk—especially if the weather isn’t all that great, you’re tired, or you woke up late. The unconscious part of your brain wants to pacify you. And if you start paying attention, you’ll discover that you’re often all too willing to be pacified.

It requires very little energy on the part of your brain to get you to do what you’ve done before. But it does require energy for your brain to get you to do something different. So if you do indeed want to change your behavior, you need to persuade the unconscious part of your brain to get with your program instead of continuing with its program.

You might think strengthening your willpower or self-control would be a good strategy for changing your behavior. Perhaps you can muscle your way through. It’s true that willpower might be effective when your motivation is high when you’re first trying to start or change a habit. Motivation is often higher, for example, at the beginning of a new year when we attempt to implement resolutions. But willpower is a fickle and easily exhausted resource, as is self-control. They both draw from the same well—conscious attention.

The Will Is Capricious and Temperamental*

You can’t count on having enough willpower or self-control available when you want or need it. If you’re anxious or stressed, tired, ill, distracted, in an unfamiliar environment, have been trying to solve a difficult problem, or are in love, your conscious attention is likely to be depleted to a greater or lesser extent.

And when you repeatedly try to start or change a habit (make a different choice) and fail, you end up worse off than you were before. That’s because you’re likely to use your lack of success as evidence that there’s something wrong with you. Perhaps you have less willpower or self-control than other people. Or maybe you’re sabotaging yourself. Or you don’t really want to change.

The bottom line is that you think the problem is you rather than the method you’re employing. Maybe you keep trying or maybe you give up. In either case, over time you persuade your brain not to take you seriously when you set out to change your behavior. And so the status quo becomes even more entrenched.

If you want to master the art and science of change, you need to learn how to use your brain to change the status quo instead of going with the flow and allowing your brain to maintain it.

*Cordelia Fine

Note: This is the second in a series of posts. To follow the thread, select the category Making Different Choices in the box in the sidebar under Explore.

Do You “Just” Need to Make Different Choices?

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choice doors

A comment I often hear from people who are dissatisfied with some aspect of their lives is that they just need to make different choices. On the one hand, it seems like a no-brainer, right? And at least it acknowledges we have a degree of responsibility for the situations we find ourselves in.

It also sounds relatively straightforward: if you want a different outcome, make a different choice. But since making a different choice is anything but simple or straightforward, this isn’t an effective strategy. Unfortunately, the fact that it’s ineffective doesn’t stop people from believing it’s true.

Having choices—or believing that we do—gives us the illusion of having freedom.

But the illusion of freedom is not the same as actual freedom.

Would you rather have something that really matters to you or would you rather have the freedom to not have it? If you equate choice with freedom, you’re likely to opt for holding onto the freedom to not have what you really want. This is an even more obviously ineffective strategy, but it’s a seductive one and our culture is deeply mired in it.

Let’s break it down. Imagine there’s something you want: a highly desirable outcome that really matters to you.

  • Would you rather have the highly desirable outcome that really matters to you?
  • Or would you rather have the option to not do what you need to do to create that outcome (in other words, the freedom to not have it)?

Why would anyone in their right mind “choose” to not do the things they need to do in order to achieve an outcome that is highly desirable to them? That would seem counterproductive at the very least.

You Are Certainly Not the Boss of Your Brain*

The unconscious part of your brain, which has no interest in your highly desirable outcome, is invested in maintaining the status quo. When you “choose” not to do whatever you need to do to achieve that outcome, you end up reinforcing the status quo instead of getting closer to what you want. In fact, no actual choice is involved in maintaining the status quo.

It takes no effort or awareness or intention on your part to continue doing what you’ve always done. The unconscious part of your brain can have you continue doing what you’ve been doing ad infinitum, while you preserve the fiction that you’re consciously choosing to continue doing those things.

That’s how you end up with the illusion of freedom rather than actual freedom. Actual freedom involves learning how to change the status quo, not giving in to it.

Certainly you have reasons and explanations for why you might “choose” to not do what you intended to do to help you achieve that highly desirable outcome. You didn’t have enough time. You were tired. Something came up that you had to respond to. You just didn’t feel like it. You really wanted to do whatever it was you ended up doing. You’ll make a different choice tomorrow or the next day.

No matter how many times you run through this type of scenario, chances are excellent that you’ll prefer to believe you are actually making choices, even if those choices are clearly not in your own best interest or are the opposite of what you intended to do.

And, counterintuitive as it may seem, believing you have a choice about taking a particular action that would disrupt the status quo decreases the odds you will take it.

When you give up the freedom to not have what you really want—when you allow yourself no choice in regard to taking that action—you begin to change your own status quo. That’s far more powerful, far more freeing, than simply giving in.

Why settle for the illusion of freedom when you can have the real thing?

*Michael Gazzaniga

Note: This is the first in a series of posts. To follow the thread, select the category Making Different Choices in the box in the sidebar under Explore.

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