Believing that reasons are responsible for what we feel, think, and do is a habit of thought that has many characteristics of an addiction. We have to have reasons. We can’t imagine living without them. Coming up with a good reason for something is one of the most satisfying experiences we can have.
Even when we recognize–conceptually–that reasons don’t actually exist and that the reason habit is self-destructive and delusional, we still can’t just quit reasons cold turkey.
So here’s a 4-step program that may help.
Step 1
Admit that you can’t do (or not do) anything without having a reason for it.
I did (or didn’t do) Y because of X.
You can’t think, feel, or do anything other than what you think, feel, or do because reasons cause you to think and feel certain things—and do (or not do) the things you do. You are at the effect, and at the mercy, of all the causes surrounding you. You are powerless. A pawn in the Game of Life. (Too melodramatic? Not really.)
Step 2
Question the assumption that reasons have both an independent existence and a direct cause-and-effect relationship with what you think, feel, and do.
X happened, and so I decided to do (or not do) Y.
Take a deep breath. Insert yourself into the equation. When you take some responsibility, you also regain some of your autonomy and power. Notice your reaction.
Step 3
Recognize that no direct cause-and-effect relationship necessarily exists between what happens (or what happened–especially in the far distant past) and what you think, feel, or do.
X happened and I did (or didn’t do) Y.
When you stop habitually turning situations, events, conditions, encounters, and incidents into reasons, you reclaim even more of your power. Notice that far more possibilities exist than you may have previously recognized.
Step 4
Free yourself from the habit of creating reasons to justify and explain every little thing. Just do it. Or don’t do it.
I did (or didn’t do) Y.
Discover and exercise your amazing ability to simply act. Experience the freedom of being a cause rather than an effect.
Wow, Joycelyn. wow and wow:-) This so captured my father’s peculiar difficulty relating to the muddled, mystifying, dopey behaviors of those in his household and work life. He was constantly angry and miserable and really tough to be near! I don’t think he, whose gods were reason and logic, could get a perspective on how addicted he was to his “there’s got to be a reason” world view. Thanks for your insights!
Sue, thank you so much! I have been guilty of this worldview (all hail the gods of reason and logic) for a good portion of my life, too. It’s a relief to see that it’s not “real.” And it’s sad and frustrating for those who can’t get there.
I love how just being aware of the addiction to reason is enough to get me to step back and rethink things. And for those who want to change, it is so nice that you could get it down to four steps!
Yes, while this can be challenging to grasp or appreciate, letting go of the compulsion to have reasons for everything demonstrates how powerful changing one’s thinking can be.