Do You Really Want to Go There?
It may seem blindingly obvious that in order to create change you have to identify what you want.
But instead of identifying what we want, most of us tend to identify something that’s the opposite of the undesirable situation we’re currently experiencing or something that seems to be a remedy for it. These are what I call “reactive wants.” They’re reactions against our current circumstances.
For example, I don’t like cold, gray, windy, wet weather. So in the winter, I want to move to Tucson. It’s appealing because it holds the promise of relieving me of my current undesirable situation. But it’s strictly a reactive want. I don’t really want to move to Tucson (although I have nothing against it). I want to not be here. Other than during winter, I don’t think about Tucson at all.
If you’re unsatisfied with your job or the amount of hours you devote to work every week—and you’re of a certain age—you might think you want to retire. You might see that as the answer and begin focusing your energy and efforts on that goal.
If you’re feeling lonely, you might think you want to be in an intimate relationship.
If you don’t like your clothing size, you might think you want to lose weight.
If you feel like you have too much to do, you might think you want to learn how to say no more often.
The story I related in the previous newsletter offers another personal example. I was dissatisfied with my job, so I decided I would look for a new one. But then I realized it wasn’t a new job I wanted; I wanted a satisfying and meaningful job. With that change in perspective, I managed to turn my unsatisfying job into a satisfying one.
Reactive wants are relatively easy to come up with just because they’re often the opposite of the undesirable situation. System 1 engages in either-or, black-or-white thinking. It doesn’t like to be at a loss for words, so it will come up with what seems like an obvious answer or direction. The more obvious it appears to be, the less likely System 2 is to question it. System 2 will go along with it as if it had come up with the idea all by itself.
But it’s important to recognize that no actual thinking is involved in the identification and pursuit of reactive wants. This is an example of your brain on autopilot, or as I like to say, your brain using you.
What If?
Undesirable situations are almost always accompanied by feelings of frustration. That’s normal. It’s also normal that you (and your brain) want to eliminate those feelings. But if you interpret the frustration as feedback that you might need to correct your course, you can subvert System 1’s tendency to jump to conclusions and send you off in a direction of its own choosing in order to pacify you (make you feel better in the moment).
Instead you can explore the course you’re on and where it’s heading and what is and is not to your liking. And then you can ask yourself If I could go anywhere, where would I like to go?
That can be a frightening or daunting question to ask yourself. And it might take a while before you come up with an answer that feels good to you—that feels like something you really do want. But if you don’t ask, and if you don’t give yourself the opportunity to answer, you’re stuck with the answer your brain comes up with for you.
If that seems easier than the alternative, remember that your brain isn’t trying to find the best answer. It’s trying to find the answer that’s easiest to access. The path of least resistance is also the path of least satisfaction and meaning.