In the process of training myself and others to master the art and science of change, I’ve referred to myself, variously, as a metacognition specialist and an antimotivational speaker. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
Metacognition means thinking about thinking. It’s something I do (or do research on) all the time, sometimes when I should probably be attending to other things, because I find the subject fascinating.
The antimotivational part refers to my tendency to tell it like it is instead of telling it the way we (that includes me) would prefer it to be.
- Change is hard. Really, really hard. And it takes longer than we want it to take.
- Everything is not possible.
- Just because you can imagine it doesn’t mean you can do it or achieve it.
Something else I say over and over again is this:
This is absolutely true, but that doesn’t make it easy to accept. We’re romantics when it comes to the idea of freedom. We have little understanding of what it really means, and we fail to recognize the price we pay for idealizing it.
Resistance Is Pointless
If you want something that deeply matters to you, the only way to give yourself a fighting chance of getting it is to give up the freedom to not have it. That right there is a huge constraint and resistance to it is a knee-jerk reaction.
This is the way the brain works. The resistance is generated automatically by the unconscious part of the brain. The conscious part of the brain then comes up with a story to explain the resistance. And we buy into the story because we believe that freedom is good (and essential) and constraints are bad (and optional).
But the truth is that you’re constrained either way. If you opt for the freedom to not have what you really want (which is somewhat daft when you think about it—but we don’t usually think about it), you’re obviously handcuffing your efforts to achieve your desired outcomes.
If you opt for giving up the freedom to not have what really matters to you, you’re agreeing to deny yourself (activities, substances, or pleasures) that you enjoy and that seem extremely compelling in the moment. You’re committing to doing things that you may not feel like doing down the road (whether that’s a month from now, next Tuesday, or even tomorrow morning).
But if you opt for giving up the freedom to not have what you really want, you’re more likely to accomplish what you set out to accomplish and to have, in general, a more satisfying and meaningful life. You’re also more likely to develop resilience and persistence and maybe to discover that you can achieve more than you thought you could.
It’s our big brain (capable of greatness, as David DiSalvo says) that can either help us or hinder us on the path to a satisfying and meaningful life. Imagining something is one thing; making it so is something else altogether. Metacognition allows us to think about our own thinking and to recognize when imposing constraints is in our best interest. The joy of constraints is the potential payoff of realizing your desired outcomes and sustaining your satisfying and meaningful life.
Given that change is hard and takes time, that everything isn’t possible, and that just because you can imagine something doesn’t mean you can make it so, what do you want to do and who do you want to be? And how can you use constraints to your advantage?
At the next Monthly Meeting of the Mind (& Brain) we’ll look at constraints from multiple perspectives and explore how to recognize and embrace them, as well as how to create them. With special guest Miriam Ortiz y Pino, Certified Professional Organizer® at More than Organized. If you’re in the area, please join us!